In this episode some foreigners fill in for the group. We welcome Vladamir Arganov (Russia/Germany), Roy McEllroy (Scottland) and Ashleighlynn Jackson (just southern) to the show in place of Phoenix, Michael and Tressa. Mario and Kyle do their best to keep the show on tracks as normal but it proves to be a true American challenge. They discuss a cyclist being mowed down by a car, Vladamir reveals that in Russia it is 2086 or 2285, Vlad also breaks down how Russia couldn't possibly have won WW2 if they lost 40 million men, Ashleighlynn describes her simple country life which mostly revolves around pageantry, more 800 random questions. Versus segment this week is brought to you by Roy McEllroy at the behest of Michael and is about whether we would keep our current accents or switch it out for another. Another versus is would we rather live where we were raised or someone else (like Scotland). Laws Of Life this week is about the Russian turnip shortage.
22: “More People Than Ever Are Trying To Be White”
In this episode we welcome Kyle and Tressa into the fold to discuss the news, such as; a Colorado company selling marijuana with names that are suspiciously close to Hershey's candy bars, a man is caught masturbating in a library while holding a cucumber...twice, an Oregon man's life work is fulfilled because he now officially lives in a jet plane in the woods and a Florida man pretending to be a police officer pulls over a real police officer. Seriously, Florida...quit it. Just stop existing already.
In other events, Kyle and Michael were supposed to watch Edge Of Tomorrow together but Kyle watched it without Michael already. Phoenix immediately holds a faux courtroom debate to get to the bottom of it. Then we all do a round from the 800 random questions. We answer one random question for 13 glorious, hilarious minutes. We had too much fun recording this one. Michael's versus segment consists of vacation versus staycation for the Arizona summer. Laws Of Life this week is on "manly" drinkers and how they bully people into drinking liquor straight.
21: "Was Snoop Dogg Over?"
In this episode we met at 10 pm for the first of a four episode recording marathon. Guest stars are coming. News involves a woman that is hospitalized for using balloons in a sexual manner, a Harvard book that is discovered to be bound in human skin and an obese man hides 40 bags of heroin in his belly button. Then we discuss fetishes and why Phoenix is sick of them.
We also answer more of the 800 random questions. Michael's versus segment is about the Phoenix Comicon (this will air several weeks after): meeting old school comicon celebrities versus new school guys and dressing up versus not dressing up.
Laws Of Life is about how comedians shouldn't take pride in ruining their show and name for the sake of the 'joke' of bombing. Basically they shouldn't attack the audience because they are going through something personal.
20: "Porn Is The Only Time You Can Say Ebony"
In this incredibly negative and male-centered episode we mostly discuss going through puberty as a male, how much we hated middle school and when we learned to masturbate. Sounds rough but you know we don't take it seriously. Also, news this week involved a Walmart employee being stabbed by a customer, a Florida man was arrested for selling drugs on Facebook, we follow up on the girl that tried to auction off her virginity and a Pennsylvania 7 year old brings his grandma's heroin to class. Then we tackle more of the 800 random questions and it gets gross. Gross and hilarious.
19: "Dildos...Lube…Where Are Your Pop-Rocks?"
In this episode we learn the true meaning of family because the first news story involves a mother killing and grilling her daughter, then we discuss the British water source being polluted by a large amount of cocaine, an Iowa distillery raising pigs to taste like whiskey, a woman that put pop rocks inside her south mouth, how 99.3% of women in Egypt have been socially molested, and Jay Z's hate in an elevator. We also answer more of the 800 random questions. Laws Of Life this week is about people complaining about the gender gap. Phoenix reveals there is only one gender gap he cares about.
18: “I’ll Kick The Bulge Every 12 Seconds Like A Dog”
In this episode we discover the true deciding factor of why humans hate other humans; the connected eared people hated the lobed ear people. In the news, an old man loses a hand to an airplane propeller while riding a lawn mower, a nurse falsifies the files of patients to tell them they do no have cancer, a Brazil man is opening Obama themed bar-n-grills, a pittbull attacked a child and the parents bit off the dog's ear to get him loose and lastly Frankie Muniz wants to buy the Clippers but we all think he's too poor for that nonsense.
We also keep going forward with the 800 random internet questions before Versus which consists of: Captain America vs. Master Chief and then being a young parent vs. being an old parent. Ryan asks us who would win; Harry Potter or Luke Skywalker. Ryan is the only one that believes in Luke. Luke couldn't even beat a motorcycle let alone a seemingly immortal wizard.
Laws Of Life this time is about people looking at loudspeakers during an announcement despite it just being a disembodied voice.
17: "I've Done So Little Dying In This Life. Almost None."
This episode was almost titled, "I Want Her Virginity, I Want Her Children's Virginity..." because of the news story of a girl auctioning off her virginity online. However, without context the title was nonsense. Now you get how it doesn't make sense. News also consisted of a guy being arrested for masturbating while driving, a homeless woman giving Richard Gere pizza while he was mid-scene, a dad kicking his skateboarding child down a ramp, a scam involving homeless people and iPhones, Grand Rapids teens using Bert's Bees chapstick on their eyelids and the recent news of powdered alcohol. We also answer more of the 800 online questions from a probable rapist. Versus segment consists of us debating if we could only whisper or only shout for the rest of our sad lives. Laws Of Life is about guys with long hair.
16: "I Licked Your Foot During..."
In this episode we continue on from episode 15 but this time it's 4 in the morning of our impromptu recording session. This time we talk even lazier on purpose and it starts to bother even us. We also answer more of the 800 random questions of the online survey. We cover a single news story which is about a dead girl winning prom queen which Phoenix thinks is adorable but pointless. We discuss who we would recast The Wizard Of Oz with if we had to choose modern actors. Phoenix does his passable Charles Barkley and Shaq impressions all before wrapping up with a very serious and sexual Laws Of Life which you'll have to listen to to find out what it is.
15: "El Guerrilla!"
In this episode we held an impromptu 2:30 am recording of a double batch of TINM. This is the first episode of that session. We discuss the news which consists of a salmonella outbreak due to those creepy bearded dragon pets, a man that leaves prison after 15 years only to rob a shoe store and get tossed back in prison (the reason he was there to begin with), how white people spend less time in jail for the same crime as black folks, a teacher gives one of her students a lap dance and gets wicked fired, a man from Moscow, Idaho wants to own every copy of Speed on VHS and lastly the perfect app for all you pervs is here: Pornostagram.
We also discuss random things such as Phoenix's globetrotting adventures in which he totally wasn't a prostitute, Phoenix admits he finds the word turn-buckle hilarious, Phoenix talks about the Bulls and Blackhawks both being in the playoffs at the same time. We also randomly choose questions from an online list of 800 get-to-know-(to-rape)-you list.
Phoenix wraps up the show with Laws Of Life in which he reveals that he hates and is sick of people claiming shit to be magic. No more magic.
14: "This Story Should End With A Restraining Order"
This week we wax poetic about religion and other random thoughts. News consists of TSA joining Instagram and a gun range that is opening a bar on site. We then randomly talk about what a deaf person's inner monologue would be.
Vs. is whether we would want technology advancing nonstop forever or stopping now. Also, would we want to spend eternity in heaven or have an eternal life where you can still be hurt.
Laws Of Life this week is about bicycles. Phoenix hates that they are allowed to do whatever they want with no sense of responsibility. Joe then admits to a felony (or something like that).
13: "No Two-Letter Word Will Stop My Love!"
In this episode we dicuss the news which consists of a contest in Brooklyn for the smallest penis, a guy sneaks a knife into an airport inside an enchilada, two cannibal brothers in Pakistan and the tragic death of the last California Raisin.
Next we discuss the new Godzilla movie followed by the VS. segment which is getting dumped versus doing the dumping, living a long mediocre life or a short life but you're a legend and lastly Joe grosses us out by asking if we'd rather have sex with an ugly girl or poop during sex with a hot one.
Laws Of Life is on glitter and how it's an aesthetic STD.
12: "I Don't Own A Kathy Bates Flesh-Bot"
In this episode we talk about eating portions before moving on to news which consists of the following headlines; a couple wins the lottery three times and only accumulates 1M$, we take a peek into Phoenix's mysterious past, how Brazilian's believe that women deserve rape if dressed like a slut, Jeffery Dahmer's childhood home being up for sale then Phoenix explains why there should be more ghosts back east compared to the city of Phoenix.
In versus, Brent asks us if we'd rather find true love or have an unlimited amount of money, we discuss the new Ninja Turtles movie, old wrestlers from our childhood and the new Batman video game creating a new villain. The episode is wrapped up with Laws Of Life on limp handshakes.
11: "I Don't Want To Touch You. You Just Look Sticky."
In this episode we discuss the news which features stories such as a kid being kicked off his track team for having a mohawk to honor his mother with cancer, a man that saves a porcupine baby by giving the dead mother a C-section and Rob Ford's opposition running hilarious anti-Ford billboards all over Toronto.
We then discuss whether we would rather live in space or under the sea after the apocalypse, would we be Batman or Harry Potter after we became orphans, if we are hopeful for Star Wars 7-9 and if we would live a fast life or a regular life. We also discuss the series end of How I Met Your Mother.
Phoenix then wraps up the show with Laws Of Life which is about his hatred for lipstick and women's strange desire to look like weird fucking aliens.
10: “I Replaced My Addictions With Threesomes”
In this episode we discuss the pros and numerous cons of everyone owning flying cars. News this week consists of Newman from Seinfeld being angry over his death hoax, retailers being pushed to drop tobacco products, Tetris being a deterrent for tobacco and Tequila being the cure for diabetes. This last one was discovered by Mexican 'scientists'. Of course it was. Next we rank 3 terrible bands, Creed, Nickleback and The Black Eyed Peas. Michael's VS segment consists of spending a month in the past versus the future, Brent makes up a movie trailer on the spot and we debate reading minds but being illiterate or just being literate without the mind reading nonsense. It was confusing to us too. Phoenix wraps it all up with Laws Of Life which is Fast Food Rapes America - Part 2.
9: "You're NOT Celibate On Flag Day?"
In this episode we learn the value of health and nutrition while drinking and arguing about the news. Followed up by a pair of VS. about the zombie apocalypse vs WW3 and always over or under dressed. Laws Of Life this week is Fast Food Rapes America - Part 1.
8: "Feed The Breatharians"
In this episode, in Mario's absence, Tressa takes over on news to deliver such tales as; the pope caught swearing in Italian, a mango theft in Australia, Phoenix tells us how much he hates the two phrases "at the end of the day..." and "as good as anyone...", also Barbie girl wants to survive purely on delicious oxygen and the story takes over the show, an Iguana with 8 tails and a dead guy brought back to live via a pacemaker.
The VS. this episode: magical powers in normal school or no powers in magical school. Also, a normal life versus an extraordinary one.
Phoenix wraps up the show with his Laws Of Life on renaissance festivals and how they are a sham. Either immerse yourself fully in the shit-living days of old or don't at all. It's simple, folks.
7: "You Should Sue"
In this episode we discuss the Cult Of Girl Scouts, how the Korn singer things Obama invented tweaking to pass laws, how to decide if your child is a reincarnated dictator and why kids shouldn't be allowed to drive. Also, Bri decides to sue over everything she's offended by.
In the VS. segment we only had time for one and it was a single 1000 year life vs. ten 100 year lives. Phoenix decided that Michael and he should both do the latter so he can kill Michael 100 times instead of just once.
This weeks Laws Of Life is about graveyards. He found a way to hate them.
6: "I Want To Visit Your Subconscious Like Inception..."
In this episode we talk about recent developments in combat technology, numerous people caught breaking bad because of the uncontrolable impulse to selfie and we all choose an imaginary friend. Things get ugly during the justice versus revenge segment so it is completely eliminated. We debate beer versus liquor and what our version of a personal hell would be. All of this is wrapped up with Laws Of Life in which Phoenix tells us to stop tucking shirts into jeans. Seriously. Stop it.
5: "You're Stunting The Growth Of The Kenyan People..."
In this installment we learn the value of condoms, Michael learns to keep better notes as to not repeat himself and we discuss what our last meal on death row would be. Also, versus has us debating movies versus books and video games versus board games. Tressa brings up an old idea of the tragic slavery of the Keebler elves.
4: "Sounds Like You're Ready For Two Girls. And Perhaps One Cup..."
In this episode we discuss the finer things in life. Finer things such as who would we have sex with if we had to go gay, what kind of drunks we think we are compared to what we really are and what animal we could be if we could choose. All of this is wrapped up with Phoenix's Laws Of Life which you're sure to obey.